One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
