So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
