she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
