I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
