She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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