hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
