All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
