I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
