If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
