Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
