I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
