I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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