Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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