I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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