i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
