I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
