i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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