textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize