Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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