Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
