that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
