Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
