Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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