hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
