I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
