she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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