just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
