y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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