We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
