I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
