There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
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he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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