i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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