i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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