Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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