Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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