I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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