I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
