why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
are you so shy because you have an std?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Randomize
