apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
