my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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