4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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