A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
