I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
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The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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