He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
