There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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