Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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