I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
