mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
