I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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