Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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