I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
