God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
