i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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