thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Randomize
