Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
