Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
