life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..