fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
