Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
should my penis look like a turkey
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
