Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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